Pain vs Unhappines

Coming in at the tail end of a discussion on who is responsible for what regarding an addiction in a relationship I would just like to affirm what I have learnt from experience, recovered/recovering porn addiction and a Christian counselor dealing specifically with sexual brokenness and addiction.

There is no “one size fits all” solution, no guarantees and no way anyone can take responsibility for another’s life, whether good or bad.

Did I often revert to porn to escape the feelings of failure I experienced whenever my wife was unhappy? Yes, but if that meant that I could not stop watching porn untill she stopped being unhappy then I would have been lost. The hard lesson we both learnt through the pain of my addiction was that untill such time as the individual becomes willing to let go of the other and centre on self, take responsibility for self, there can be no true life.

As long as you are labouring under the illusion that you are unhappy because of someone else you are and always will be a victim of the behaviour and percieved intent of others. And before I get my head handed to me on a platter, lets not confuse being hurt, an event, with being unhappy, a state of being. Did I hurt my wife and she me? Unfortunately, YES! But it is how we respond to the hurt that determines whether or not hurt becomes unhappiness, a state of being in which we believe ourselves to be powerless victims.
What those choices are will vary from person to person and cannot be imposed by another.

The harsh reality, however, is that untill we become saved/conscious this “unhappy” state of being is the preferred/default setting of the ego. This belief or mental position that unhappiness is a result of the actions or lack of actions of others and/or myself keeps us mentally “separate”, (unable to trust and interact without demand or manipulation) from others and my true self.

Being unhappy is the safest place for the ego, it is also that which, ultimately, by the grace of God, leads us to salvation.


About hando2012

I am a happily married father of two beautiful children. I have studied Theology and Psychology and I am passionate about the eternal truths revealed in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, my doorway to salvation/consciousness.
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